This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
