i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
