Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
