hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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