Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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