I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
