Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
