i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I will be naked everywhere
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
