and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
