This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
