it's too hot outside to masturbate.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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