Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
