Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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