things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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