i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
