whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Randomize
