Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
