When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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