I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
