Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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