in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
