i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
