Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
