So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
