The maid of honor just puked.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
