He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
