went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
