the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
