whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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