She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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