my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
