eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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