I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
