Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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