Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
