1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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