i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
