if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
