im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
