A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
