I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
