2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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