Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
