If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
