why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
