After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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