The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
