if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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