Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
