I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
